asoncalledgabriel | I'll find out what I'm looking for

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neil,
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I'll find out what I'm looking for

Something snapped in him after Pride.

He wasn't an abomination, he was gay, and that-- that was allowed. It wasn't illegal and maybe it wasn't condoned by everyone here, but fuck them.

So that was how he found himself at Styx, several drinks in and dancing with whoever the fuck he wanted to. That was how he found himself out in the alley afterward, on his knees, practically crammed into a wall as some guy he met inside fucked his mouth and he held on for the ride.

And afterward, when he was't sure he could handle going home to fall in bed alone, he found himself at Neil's door. He couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten there, but he knocked, hopeful Neil would wake up long enough to let him in.

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Gabriel lifts his head when Neil pushes him back. "Okay," he murmurs, easing back under the pressure of Neil's hands. He sits up, not entirely sure what to do. He pushes his hair back, looks at Neil's face, suddenly uncertain.

The retreat at once relaxes and terrifies him. This feels like a sensitive place. He doesn't want Gabriel to think he's mad, he just--that jealousy won't sooth in his chest.

"You should sober up a little bit before you come to bed," he finally mumbles. "I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready for bed."

"I can sleep on the couch," he offers quietly, already feeling more sober when Neil says that. He sits back a little more and picks up the water. He's done something wrong, he's certain, but he still feels fuzzy.

Neil lingers a moment, guilt working in now. He drags himself to his feet, and he touches Gabriel's cheek as he passes. His thumb brushes off a bit of the come on Gabriel's lip, and then he pulls his hand back slowly.

"I told you," he says, voice soft and a little more hurt than he intends for it. "You can sleep in the bed. I...I want you to sleep in the bed."

"I'll be in after a bit," he says, promising. He waits until Neil goes, staying on the couch for a moment. He finishes his water, then he goes into the kitchen to try to clean his face off. He scrubs maybe a little harder than he has to, struggling with shame.

He shuffles into Neil's room and manages to get his shoes and his jeans off without falling over - he has to lean on the bed to do it.

Neil's just left the shower when Gabriel comes in, and he watches him as he puts on his pajamas. He brings over a pair for Gabriel too, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"You--" He can't start for a second, but he finally mumbles, "You could have asked me to come out wherever you were going. Not just come back here after you were...done. I mean, we're...we're friends, right?"

Gabriel sinks onto the bed in his shorts and his t-shirt, not quite going for the pajamas that Neil left. "I didn't think about it," he mumbles softly. "I just... went out. I didn't know if you could come with." He doesn't know if there's an age cut off for Styx... he probably could have, should have found out, but he hadn't thought of it.

He ends up with his head on a pillow. "'Course we're friends."

Neil looks at Gabriel shyly. He's right, of course. Neil probably can't come with him to those sorts of things. He looks at Gabriel and lets the guilt and jealousy twist in him for a second.

Slowly, he moves. He ends up straddling Gabriel again. It's a nervous move.

"Are we just friends? Gabe?"

Gabriel looks up at Neil when he's suddenly on top of him. "What?" he asks, a little uncertain at the question. He keeps his hands to himself this time but he keeps his eyes on Neil's face.

Neil stays just there, sitting on top of Gabriel's thighs, and lets all his feelings chew at him for a bit. He's not used to being the less confident one.

Slowly, he leans down and smudges a kiss against Gabriel's mouth.

Gabriel doesn't feel terribly confident. He tips his head up to meet the kiss and his hands move, a little uncertain, to lightly rest on Neil's hips.

"What's wrong?" he asks, soft and unsure.

"Was he good?"

The words fall out, and Neil feels terrible for even thinking them, let alone speaking them. It's none of his business. Still, now that he's said those words, his chest feels like it's full of spikes and acid, that jealousy eating at him.

He sniffles vaguely. "Was he...better at it?"

"I don't-- he was fine?" He isn't sure how to answer, eyebrows drawn together. Gabriel tries to push himself up a little without knocking Neil over.

"Better-- no? No. I didn't--" He tries to pull his brain into some kind of order, wanting to say words that make sense. He wants to say, It's nothing to do with you, but that sounds... hurtful. He doesn't mean for it to be. "I just... wanted."

That doesn't sound any better.

Neil sniffles again, still that vague sort of thing, that not knowing what to do with everything he's feeling. He sinks into the weight and warmth of Gabriel and leans down, kissing him softly.

Gabriel has no idea what to do so he pushes his fingers into Neil's hair, holding his head as they kiss. Everything still feels sort of swimmy, floating, but he kisses him again, and again, trying to reassure him or something.

His breath shivers a little and this time he lets himself relax. It's hard, but maybe that's the nerves of this, of thinking about what Gabriel might have been doing and how he has no right to this toxic feeling in his chest.

He takes one of Gabriel's hands off his cheek and guides it under his shirt again.

Gabriel smooths his hand over Neil's skin. "Neil," he sighs against him, trying to keep him close. His other hand slides, lightly gripping Neil's thigh.

"I want to have sex."

It comes out a blurt, a nervous sort of confession. They haven't done that, have used mouths and hands but haven't done anything else. Neil's tried using his fingers on himself a couple times, but he's never tried everything else with another boy since the first time he tried and it hurt.

But with Gabriel...

Gabriel looks nervous as soon as Neil blurts that out. He's only ever been inside a girl before, and it was fine, and he remembers the one time he and Connor tried and-- it hurt.

He opens his mouth to answer but he can't quite. Part of him thinks he could, with Neil. Thinks it could be good but his anxiety creeps to the front, gripping at him.

"With me?" is all he manages.

Neil nods, numb and quiet because Gabriel doesn't seem enthused with the idea at all. Maybe they shouldn't. It's supposed to be special. But that jealousy hikes up his ribs again, and Neil wants to prove--something. He's not quite sure what.

He kisses Gabriel again, slow, lazy and wanting so badly that it hurts. Hating himself a little bit. He should be happy that Gabriel's feeling confident enough to fool around with someone. What are friends for?

"It hurt," he mumbles softly against Neil's mouth. "When I tried it, there--there was blood." His fingers curled, holding onto Neil's shirt to keep him close.

At least using his mouth and his hands had never hurt, not really.

"It hurt when I tried it, too," he mumbles back, mouth smudging continuously against Gabriel's. His hips shift a little, move and roll, trying to work them up a little. "But I trust you."

Gabriel whimpers softly when Neil's hips push down just so. His hands tighten and he rocks his hips up, a little uncertain but still eager.

It's pretty easy to move once Gabriel moves back. Neil does his best to let everything else slide away, to focus on this. On the things that he likes, and he likes this so, so much. Kissing Gabriel, and touching him, and being touched by him. He likes all of that.

He slides a hand down between them and palms at the front of Gabriel's shorts.

Gabriel gasps, hips jumping a bit when Neil touches him there. He feels an uncertain, sudden spike and he grips Neil tighter. He's afraid of ruining something. "Wait," he whispers.

He wets his lips and he holds on to Neil, kissing him again. "Can we wait? I want this," he murmurs, thinking if he talks softer he won't slur. "I don't wanna be drunk when we have sex, Neil. Not with you." He pushes his fingers into Neil's hair, squeezes tight for a second.

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