asoncalledgabriel | I'll find out what I'm looking for

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neil,
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I'll find out what I'm looking for

Something snapped in him after Pride.

He wasn't an abomination, he was gay, and that-- that was allowed. It wasn't illegal and maybe it wasn't condoned by everyone here, but fuck them.

So that was how he found himself at Styx, several drinks in and dancing with whoever the fuck he wanted to. That was how he found himself out in the alley afterward, on his knees, practically crammed into a wall as some guy he met inside fucked his mouth and he held on for the ride.

And afterward, when he was't sure he could handle going home to fall in bed alone, he found himself at Neil's door. He couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten there, but he knocked, hopeful Neil would wake up long enough to let him in.

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"I wouldn't be talking about it if I wanted to pretend it didn't happen," he mumbled, wondering if he should just shut up. Wondering if that's what Neil wants to do - to just forget it. Gabriel suddenly feels helpless and uncertain again.

"Yeah, sure." He turned to finish the last bit of his water and got a plate.

Gabriel turns away, and Neil takes a second to draw in a silent, shuddering breath. His mind is conjuring arguments for a wealth of things--shooting down Gabriel's apologies, instilling his own, pointing out that Neil was the one who asked for it so of course they'd do it to him first and they'd never have to do anything to Gabriel--

God. What's he thinking?

He grabs himself a plate, body brushing against Gabriel's just a little in the process.

Gabriel feels a little dizzy for a second when Neil brushes against him and he realizes he has no idea how to read this anymore. He moves a little, not far, and he just sort of looks at Neil, thoroughly uncertain and hopeful.

"It-- everything looks good. Thanks, Neil."

"Of course," Neil says. The shift away aches in him somehow, and Neil could curse himself. Even if Gabriel wants to do more with him, there's an established pattern to this by now. Gabriel's step back isn't running away, but Neil doesn't quite dare pursue it.

So he just stands there, plate set down on the counter, eyes flitting over the other boy's face. They're friends, of course--but is that it?

Gabriel finally tries to summon words. He looks at Neil, eyebrows drawn together. "I don't know what you want," he says helplessly. "I want to."

"I don't want to lose you as a friend," Neil says, quietly honest. He watches Gabriel's face. "I don't want to make you feel like you have to want to do it, just because I...I've thought about it."

The kitchen is quiet around them without the sizzle of bacon. Neil's voice is very small. "I want you to want to come here when you want to do things with people. Not just...just anybody, right then."

"You won't,' he answers, wondering if he's done something that would make Neil think it anything is up in the air.

And there's part of him that wants to protest, because it isn't that he hadn't wanted the guy he sucked off. It's just that he'd also been convenient. He wants to do all the things he's never felt free to do before. But maybe that's not the thing to say right now. Because he wants Neil, too.

"I could-- yeah, I could do that."

Neil ducks his head down and sniffles a little bit, because he could almost see that, the flicker of argument and then the soft agreement. It doesn't feel like a compromise, even. Just like he's snatched some of the light away, and is left with nothing but Gabriel looking a little dimmer, more subdued.

Slowly, he steps in closer, and leans in to kiss Gabriel. It feels more fragile than that very first one, months old now.

As soon as Neil kissed him, Gabriel wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer, his other hand holding Neil's cheek. He kissed him back, trying to convey what he couldn't in words. He's here because he wants to be. He's here because Neil means something to him.

He knows he has a lot of shit to figure out, but that feels certain.

To be kissed like that, to feel something settle in his chest, startles Neil for a second. They've been kissing for months, and it still tends to be him who kisses Gabriel and not the other way around. But the way they meet, now, means something. It has to.

His mouth moves against the kiss, without his thought involved. "We could wait on breakfast?"

"Could wait," he echoes, keeping his mouth close so he can kiss Neil again as soon as they're done talking. He slides his arm around Neil's shoulders, trying to keep him close.

They ought to get out of the kitchen, away from the slick linoleum and potential hazards of counter tops. But Neil doesn't move, can't. He curls his fingers into Gabriel's shirt and kisses him slowly, letting himself be heady with it.

Gabriel doesn't know what he wants to do, what to do. He moans quietly against Neil's mouth and tries to hold onto him, tries to slow down to the pace Neil sets because if he doesn't he's sure he'll just fly apart.

He can feel the warmth of Neil's skin through his shirt and it makes him shiver.

Slowly, Neil starts edging them out of the kitchen. He never quite stops kissing Gabriel, doesn't want to get too far away and make this stop, make Gabriel worry again. If he can just keep this momentum, then maybe--

Maybe what? Neil's pretty sure the fear of the thing outweighs the want of it. So, kissing. Maybe they'll touch. That's okay. Neil contents himself with it.

Gabriel goes with him, following every kiss and he absently pushes at the bedroom door after they pass through it. Maybe it won't close all the way, but close enough. He pushes into another kiss, fingers tangled up in Neil's hair.

When they reach the bedroom, it's like some barrier is lifted. Neil lets out a little whine, tilting his head a bit to match the tangle of Gabriel's fingers. He presses up against him, but only for a moment. The bed seems to rush up out of nowhere, and when Neil starts to sink, he pulls Gabriel down with him.

It's something else entirely than fooling around at Prom.

Gabriel tries not to land too hard on top of Neil when the bed suddenly appeared. He manages to catch himself a little and he manages not to bite either of them. He laughs, breathless and dazed.

"Neil," he murmurs, but he has nothing else so he just kisses him again.

The way he says his name makes Neil sigh out. He tips his head back for a moment, even though it means they can't kiss, so that he can slide his fingers under Gabriel's shirt and touch him. Gabriel's fitter than he is, even with soccer and rowing behind Neil, and he quite likes the feel of Gabriel's body.

Especially like this, gentle pressure and weight over him, hips teasing.

Gabriel moves to get his shirt off, tossing it somewhere before he sinks into another kiss. He braces his forearms on the bed to keep his chest up, just enough. He shivers when skin brushes skin, the perfect warmth of Neil against him.

Neil's hands roam. He touches everywhere that Gabriel will let him. He's done that a bunch of times already, but somehow it feels a little different, and Neil wants to put this to memory. He lifts his hips and rubs up against Gabriel a little bit, panting against his mouth.

Gabriel slides his hand down, relishing in all the bare skin between Neil's shoulder and his hip. He moves his own hips so they can press together, a soft moan escaping as their bodies met. "Fuck," he breathes, fingers tight in Neil's hair.

Neil bites his lip a little and reaches between them, dragging Gabriel's hand, heavy and hot, down just a little further. His long fingers brush at the waistband of his pants, and Neil hesitates before going any further. Which is stupid. They've done this plenty. He keeps his hand on Gabriel's, shivering with want.

Gabriel kisses him again as his hand moves, sliding past Neil's pajamas to curl around his cock. He moans quietly, lifts his weight so he can actually move his hand.

The move prompts Neil to move his hand, and he does, pushing his pajamas down a little bit so that it's even easier for Gabriel. His cheeks flame. With his pants around his thighs, he reaches up and cups Gabriel through his boxers, fondling him, squeezing gently.

As familiar as its becoming, he wants more. But he's scared himself off, for the moment, from asking. He'll take what he can get.

Gabriel moves, easing onto his side. He lets go of Neil only long enough to pull him closer, so they could keep facing each other. This was how they so often did it, and he-- he wanted more... but starting like this wasn't bad, right?

He wiggles a bit, pushing his own boxes down, off, before he returns his attention to Neil. He strokes him, remembering the things he likes.

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