asoncalledgabriel | I'll find out what I'm looking for

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neil,
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I'll find out what I'm looking for

Something snapped in him after Pride.

He wasn't an abomination, he was gay, and that-- that was allowed. It wasn't illegal and maybe it wasn't condoned by everyone here, but fuck them.

So that was how he found himself at Styx, several drinks in and dancing with whoever the fuck he wanted to. That was how he found himself out in the alley afterward, on his knees, practically crammed into a wall as some guy he met inside fucked his mouth and he held on for the ride.

And afterward, when he was't sure he could handle going home to fall in bed alone, he found himself at Neil's door. He couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten there, but he knocked, hopeful Neil would wake up long enough to let him in.

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Gabriel nudges them over until h e's draped over Neil, gently pressing him against the bed. He feels good enough that his nerves are quieter.

"Do you want--" He hesitates a little, wets his lips. "We could-- do you want to try...?" He bites his lip, unable to quite get the words out.

That doesn't stop him from pushing his hand beneath Neil's pajamas to stroke his cock.

Neil's ready to blow it off, to smile and laugh and redirect. Then, Gabriel's touching him and all he can think of is the other boy's hand. He sighs, shivering and arching up a little bit.

His cheeks flame with heat. He pulls Gabriel down for a kiss, trying to find his voice. When he does, he sounds wrecked. "I want you inside me."

Gabriel tries to push down the rush of anxiety he feels at that request. He looks down; he can't help but remember the disaster of trying that with Connor. "A-alright. I've never-- I've never done that," he admits. Not really, not successfully with a boy. Barely with a girl.

Neil sees the anxious look in Gabriel's eyes and he wishes he could take it back. He bites his lip a little bit and tries to figure out how to laugh it off. How to not want it so badly.

In the end, he smiles. "We don't have to. This is good. We can just do this, if you want. Or just kiss. Or just have breakfast."

"I can't forget the disaster it was," he admits; his hand doesn't stop moving. "We hurt each other and I don't want that to happen again, but I've no clue what I'm doing with-- with another boy."

"We don't have to," Neil assures again, his breath starting to shiver and ache. He's not going to last long if Gabriel keeps touching him like that. As much as he wants it, he doesn't want Gabriel to feel like he has to ever do something just because Neil wants it.

He touches the back of his neck, panting softly. "Won't last. Gabe..."

"I want to," he insists. "Just don't want to go in blind again. I'm not gonna hurt you." He nuzzles close and he kisses Neil again. Gabriel keeps stroking him, doing the little things he's learned that Neil likes; the little sounds he makes are perfect. He wants to feel him come.

"Just need to figure out how to do it, right?"

Neil lets himself relax to it. He nods a little. They don't have to rush into it--he never meant to imply that they did. They can figure things out.

For now, he focuses on this. The certainty of Gabriel's touch, the soft roll of his voice. Neil squirms a little bit, pushing his pants down so it's easier for Gabriel to move.

"Do you know how good you look?" he murmurs against Neil's ear. "How could I have been so stupid as to disappear on you every morning?"

He brushes tender kisses down Neil's neck, hand moving easier now than its free from Neil's pajamas.

Neil blushes. He wants to say how he understands, he gets it, he never wants Gabriel to feel obligated to stay when he doesn't want to. Nothing comes out. He squirms a little and fucks up into Gabriel's fingers, tilting his head back for more kisses.

Gabriel meets his mouth, chasing the taste of himself as he kisses Neil. He holds him close as he strokes him, lifting his head just so he can look at Neil's face for a moment.

"I mean it," he murmurs, lips still close. "I'm sorry I'm so... scared."

"It's okay," Neil whispers, trying to keep the shiver out of his voice, trying to stay focused even though he's torn between Gabriel's lips and his hand.

"It's okay. I get scared too." And he does. Maybe not in the same sort of flight that Gabriel does, but he's crept secretively out of Gabriel's apartment in the morning at least as many times as Gabriel has crept out of his.

It was Gabriel who kissed him first in public. Gabriel who took his head. And each time, Neil is the one that gets nervous about it--not because it's Gabriel, but because it's everyone else.

He nods and he kisses Neil again. Why is he talking like that with his hand on Neil's cock? Jesus, he's really terrible at this. Gabriel eases lower. His free hand drifting over Neil's chest as he moves between his thighs and guides his cock into his mouth. He moans softly at the taste of him.

Neil inhales sharply when Gabriel takes him like that. He shivers, legs straining a little bit even as he tries to keep his hips still.

"Christ," he breathes out. He lifts his hand, covering his mouth for a moment, but he ends up just biting a knuckle out of ragged desperation.

He reaches up blindly and tugs at Neil's wrist to try to get his hand out of his mouth. Gabriel bobs his head, trying to take Neil all the way down. He can't quite make it without choking so, for the moment he stops, stroking and holding what he can't fit in his mouth.

Neil whines softly, and laces his fingers with Gabriel's as he takes his hand away from his mouth. He squirms his hips a little, and when Gabriel moves back, he chases after the warm, wet heat of him, instinctive and needy.

Another little sound escapes when Neil's hips rock up to meet him; he moans his encouragement. He moves back a little, focusing on just the head for a moment, teasing with his tongue before he slides right back down, as far as he dares.

"Fuck," Neil grits, a whine of a noise that's barely the word. He shifts his hips a little bit, squirms, tries to not beg but it's pretty hopeless at this point. He just wants too much.

Gabriel moans around Neil's cock, voice muffled by it as he teases him, as he tries not to let Neil move his hips too much. Partly he doesn't want to be surprised by a sudden buck, but also it just-- it feels good to hold onto him.

Like having Gabriel's hands tight in his hair, there's something really good about him holding Neil's hips. He shivers and squirms in that grip, panting. "Almost...Gabe..."

Gabriel moves his head back, intent on swallowing and he doesn't want to be so startled by it he chokes. So he strokes Neil's cock and teases the head, and he keeps his other arm braced across Neil's hips since-- since he seems to quite like it.

The look of him like that, lips wrapped around the head of his cock and hand pumping intently, is enough to push him over. Neil makes a soft, desperate sound. His hips buck a little bit, but mostly it's just the twitch of his cock, the spurts of come into the hot, wet heat of Gabriel's mouth as he grips his hair but refuses to push him around.

Gabriel manages to swallow, eyes closed as Neil grips his hair. It isn't so bad to feel that after all, he thinks. It's different when Neil does it.

When he's finished, Gabriel lifts his head and settles down with his head against Neil's side, fingers still loosely curled around his cock.

Neil shivers a little, relaxing in fits and starts. When he's gotten through the last little twitches of pleasure, he sighs, his fingers easing and his whole body slumping back.

Breakfast has gone cold, he knows. He can't bring himself to care.

Gabriel closes his eyes, just breathing for a moment as Neil relaxes beneath him. "Sorry about breakfast," he says, a little grin tugging his mouth.

I'll find out what I'm looking for

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