asoncalledgabriel | I'll find out what I'm looking for

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neil,
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I'll find out what I'm looking for

Something snapped in him after Pride.

He wasn't an abomination, he was gay, and that-- that was allowed. It wasn't illegal and maybe it wasn't condoned by everyone here, but fuck them.

So that was how he found himself at Styx, several drinks in and dancing with whoever the fuck he wanted to. That was how he found himself out in the alley afterward, on his knees, practically crammed into a wall as some guy he met inside fucked his mouth and he held on for the ride.

And afterward, when he was't sure he could handle going home to fall in bed alone, he found himself at Neil's door. He couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten there, but he knocked, hopeful Neil would wake up long enough to let him in.

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Gabriel looks up at Neil when he's suddenly on top of him. "What?" he asks, a little uncertain at the question. He keeps his hands to himself this time but he keeps his eyes on Neil's face.

Neil stays just there, sitting on top of Gabriel's thighs, and lets all his feelings chew at him for a bit. He's not used to being the less confident one.

Slowly, he leans down and smudges a kiss against Gabriel's mouth.

Gabriel doesn't feel terribly confident. He tips his head up to meet the kiss and his hands move, a little uncertain, to lightly rest on Neil's hips.

"What's wrong?" he asks, soft and unsure.

"Was he good?"

The words fall out, and Neil feels terrible for even thinking them, let alone speaking them. It's none of his business. Still, now that he's said those words, his chest feels like it's full of spikes and acid, that jealousy eating at him.

He sniffles vaguely. "Was he...better at it?"

"I don't-- he was fine?" He isn't sure how to answer, eyebrows drawn together. Gabriel tries to push himself up a little without knocking Neil over.

"Better-- no? No. I didn't--" He tries to pull his brain into some kind of order, wanting to say words that make sense. He wants to say, It's nothing to do with you, but that sounds... hurtful. He doesn't mean for it to be. "I just... wanted."

That doesn't sound any better.

Neil sniffles again, still that vague sort of thing, that not knowing what to do with everything he's feeling. He sinks into the weight and warmth of Gabriel and leans down, kissing him softly.

Gabriel has no idea what to do so he pushes his fingers into Neil's hair, holding his head as they kiss. Everything still feels sort of swimmy, floating, but he kisses him again, and again, trying to reassure him or something.

His breath shivers a little and this time he lets himself relax. It's hard, but maybe that's the nerves of this, of thinking about what Gabriel might have been doing and how he has no right to this toxic feeling in his chest.

He takes one of Gabriel's hands off his cheek and guides it under his shirt again.

Gabriel smooths his hand over Neil's skin. "Neil," he sighs against him, trying to keep him close. His other hand slides, lightly gripping Neil's thigh.

"I want to have sex."

It comes out a blurt, a nervous sort of confession. They haven't done that, have used mouths and hands but haven't done anything else. Neil's tried using his fingers on himself a couple times, but he's never tried everything else with another boy since the first time he tried and it hurt.

But with Gabriel...

Gabriel looks nervous as soon as Neil blurts that out. He's only ever been inside a girl before, and it was fine, and he remembers the one time he and Connor tried and-- it hurt.

He opens his mouth to answer but he can't quite. Part of him thinks he could, with Neil. Thinks it could be good but his anxiety creeps to the front, gripping at him.

"With me?" is all he manages.

Neil nods, numb and quiet because Gabriel doesn't seem enthused with the idea at all. Maybe they shouldn't. It's supposed to be special. But that jealousy hikes up his ribs again, and Neil wants to prove--something. He's not quite sure what.

He kisses Gabriel again, slow, lazy and wanting so badly that it hurts. Hating himself a little bit. He should be happy that Gabriel's feeling confident enough to fool around with someone. What are friends for?

"It hurt," he mumbles softly against Neil's mouth. "When I tried it, there--there was blood." His fingers curled, holding onto Neil's shirt to keep him close.

At least using his mouth and his hands had never hurt, not really.

"It hurt when I tried it, too," he mumbles back, mouth smudging continuously against Gabriel's. His hips shift a little, move and roll, trying to work them up a little. "But I trust you."

Gabriel whimpers softly when Neil's hips push down just so. His hands tighten and he rocks his hips up, a little uncertain but still eager.

It's pretty easy to move once Gabriel moves back. Neil does his best to let everything else slide away, to focus on this. On the things that he likes, and he likes this so, so much. Kissing Gabriel, and touching him, and being touched by him. He likes all of that.

He slides a hand down between them and palms at the front of Gabriel's shorts.

Gabriel gasps, hips jumping a bit when Neil touches him there. He feels an uncertain, sudden spike and he grips Neil tighter. He's afraid of ruining something. "Wait," he whispers.

He wets his lips and he holds on to Neil, kissing him again. "Can we wait? I want this," he murmurs, thinking if he talks softer he won't slur. "I don't wanna be drunk when we have sex, Neil. Not with you." He pushes his fingers into Neil's hair, squeezes tight for a second.

The shame and jealousy itch at each other for a moment, and Neil just feels a little bit sleazy for what he just did. He pauses, stills, and then nods. The shame wins out after a second, and Neil slides off Gabriel and lays out beside him.

Gabriel turns towards him and he scoots closer to him. He wraps around him as much as he can and he pulls Neil into a kiss, soft and sweet. "Are you angry with me?" he whispers, afraid to ask it too loud.

Neil shakes his head, looking at Gabriel from up close. "No. No, why would I be mad? I just..."

His cheeks flame with heat, and very softly, pressing into another kiss already, Neil says, "I don't know why you'd go to someone else when you know I...I'll do that. You could have just come here."

He shrugs helplessly. "Because I was there." Maybe it's a shitty answer, but it's the only one he has. "And he was there and I-- I didn't want to say no."

He bumps his forehead against Neil's. "I did come here," he points out. Maybe he'd already sucked another cock before he made it through Neil's door, but he had come here.

It doesn't help the jealousy. Neil nods, quieting himself because he doesn't want to say something and make Gabriel think poorly of the situation.

He smudges another kiss, then works down Gabriel's neck slowly. "Sorry. I'm acting weird, sorry."

He nuzzles his nose against Neil's before he starts kissing down his neck. "S'okay," he breathes. "Didn' mean to upset you." He brushes his fingers through Neil's hair, down his neck.

"Not upset," he whispers against Gabriel's skin. Jealous isn't the same as upset. He rests his nose against Gabriel's shoulder and just lingers there, hiding against his shirt.

"You're sure?" Gabriel hugs him closer, like they could hide inside each other. He's tired and suddenly worn and he feels like he's upset the balance of something. He just wants everything to be okay.

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