I'll find out what I'm looking for

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neil,
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I'll find out what I'm looking for

Something snapped in him after Pride.

He wasn't an abomination, he was gay, and that-- that was allowed. It wasn't illegal and maybe it wasn't condoned by everyone here, but fuck them.

So that was how he found himself at Styx, several drinks in and dancing with whoever the fuck he wanted to. That was how he found himself out in the alley afterward, on his knees, practically crammed into a wall as some guy he met inside fucked his mouth and he held on for the ride.

And afterward, when he was't sure he could handle going home to fall in bed alone, he found himself at Neil's door. He couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten there, but he knocked, hopeful Neil would wake up long enough to let him in.

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Gabriel whimpers softly when Neil's hips push down just so. His hands tighten and he rocks his hips up, a little uncertain but still eager.

It's pretty easy to move once Gabriel moves back. Neil does his best to let everything else slide away, to focus on this. On the things that he likes, and he likes this so, so much. Kissing Gabriel, and touching him, and being touched by him. He likes all of that.

He slides a hand down between them and palms at the front of Gabriel's shorts.

Gabriel gasps, hips jumping a bit when Neil touches him there. He feels an uncertain, sudden spike and he grips Neil tighter. He's afraid of ruining something. "Wait," he whispers.

He wets his lips and he holds on to Neil, kissing him again. "Can we wait? I want this," he murmurs, thinking if he talks softer he won't slur. "I don't wanna be drunk when we have sex, Neil. Not with you." He pushes his fingers into Neil's hair, squeezes tight for a second.

The shame and jealousy itch at each other for a moment, and Neil just feels a little bit sleazy for what he just did. He pauses, stills, and then nods. The shame wins out after a second, and Neil slides off Gabriel and lays out beside him.

Gabriel turns towards him and he scoots closer to him. He wraps around him as much as he can and he pulls Neil into a kiss, soft and sweet. "Are you angry with me?" he whispers, afraid to ask it too loud.

Neil shakes his head, looking at Gabriel from up close. "No. No, why would I be mad? I just..."

His cheeks flame with heat, and very softly, pressing into another kiss already, Neil says, "I don't know why you'd go to someone else when you know I...I'll do that. You could have just come here."

He shrugs helplessly. "Because I was there." Maybe it's a shitty answer, but it's the only one he has. "And he was there and I-- I didn't want to say no."

He bumps his forehead against Neil's. "I did come here," he points out. Maybe he'd already sucked another cock before he made it through Neil's door, but he had come here.

It doesn't help the jealousy. Neil nods, quieting himself because he doesn't want to say something and make Gabriel think poorly of the situation.

He smudges another kiss, then works down Gabriel's neck slowly. "Sorry. I'm acting weird, sorry."

He nuzzles his nose against Neil's before he starts kissing down his neck. "S'okay," he breathes. "Didn' mean to upset you." He brushes his fingers through Neil's hair, down his neck.

"Not upset," he whispers against Gabriel's skin. Jealous isn't the same as upset. He rests his nose against Gabriel's shoulder and just lingers there, hiding against his shirt.

"You're sure?" Gabriel hugs him closer, like they could hide inside each other. He's tired and suddenly worn and he feels like he's upset the balance of something. He just wants everything to be okay.

"I'm sure," Neil whispers, and it feels real enough. He hates himself a little bit, for wanting this all as badly as he does, for feeling a little sick to know that Gabriel wanted someone else. How stupid, possessive.

He lays there a while, slowly starting to drift off. It's better, he thinks, than if they'd tried. It doesn't put anything on thin ice. And Gabriel will be sober in the morning, and they can just move on.

Gabriel drifts off after a while, exhausted and drunk and comfortable. He snuggles into Neil during the night, head down, tucked against him, breathing him in. He never bothered to put on the pajama pants Neil got out for him so he sleeps in his t-shirt and shorts. His fingers curl in Neil's shirt.

In the weak hours of the morning, after not nearly enough sleep, Neil wakes. He lays there, watching Gabriel sleep, for some time, until the first rosy glows of dawn turn into the soft, cottony light of dawn. He's glad that Gabriel seems peaceful in sleep.

Normally, in the mornings after they've done something, Gabriel makes excuses and leaves as fast as he can, once Neil wakes him up. Neil doesn't want to wake him up. He doesn't want Gabriel to make excuses.

Slowly, he extracts himself from bed and heads to the kitchen to start making breakfast.

Gabriel makes a soft sound when Neil moves, but all he does is sort of roll into the warm place that Neil leaves behind. He snuggles into his pillow. He doesn't really stir again until the smell of breakfast reaches him and his stomach rumbles. He hadn't eaten enough last night.

With another quiet whine he pushes himself up, groggy but at leas he doesn't have an awful hang over. He needs more water, though, and eventually he eases out of bed to shuffle into the kitchen.

At some point, Neil's lost his shirt. It wasn't intentional; he doesn't even really remember it happening. But when Gabriel steps into the kitchen, Neil suddenly becomes keenly aware of his reaction last night, and the fact that he's milling about his kitchen only half-dressed.

Like it's a crime or something. He pushes away the nerves of it.

"Hey." The bacon crackles in the pan. "How'd you sleep?"

"Not bad. You?"

He looks at Neil, he couldn't not look at him. He doesn't have a shirt on. Gabriel bites his lip and makes himself look somewhere else, at the bacon on the stove.

Neil stares at the bit of white at the pressure point of Gabriel's teeth touching his lip, and then looks away at the bacon. "Yeah. Yeah, I slept okay."

It hadn't been strange, exactly, to sleep next to Gabriel and not have them end up touching each other. They've done it before. Still, he feels like he crossed a line in here, and there's maybe no going back.

He grabs Gabriel a glass of water. "Bacon's almost ready. And there's eggs...? If you--if you want."

Gabriel moves further into the kitchen, and he stands too close to Neil as he accepts the glass of water. "That all sounds really good," he murmurs. "Thanks, mate."

"Yeah." Neil's voice sounds funny to his own ears, distant and vague. He's trying to look at Gabriel's whole face, not just the parts of it--his mouth, his chin, all these places he's kissed and that somehow feel forbidden right now until they acknowledge that they're not acknowledging what happened last night.

"Any time," he finally says, and slowly turns back toward the stove. "You know that."

Gabriel stayed close even as he drank some water - he knew he needed it. But eventually he sat the near-empty glass aside and he stayed right where he was.

"I'm sorry I just... showed up a drunk mess at your door," he murmured.

"It's fine," Neil says, voice soft but steady. "I'm glad you felt you could come here. You're welcome whenever you want."

He smiles at him, and hopes it's steady. "Not that I ever had Patricia over in the first place, but at least you don't have to worry about interrupting anything now."

"I wanted to come here," he murmurs. Maybe he'd been out sowing wild oats or whatever, but he'd wanted to come here. Even drunk, he'd thought of Neil.

"And I didn't mean--" He'd been rude, maybe, showing up like he did. He knows Neil had been upset.

Neil pulls the bacon off the pan, leaving it on a paper towel. He shuts off the burner, but doesn't move. His eyes cut to Gabriel, soft and curious. Didn't mean what? In the light of morning, Neil's upset with himself, with how he acted, with the curls of jealousy that made him push and prod when Gabriel was drunk.

He still can't tell if he remembers, though. If he remembers Neil asking if they're more than friends, or Neil saying he wanted to have sex. So he just watches him for a moment.

"I meant it," he says quietly after Neil pulls away. "It hurt when I tried." He didn't say: the idea of trying again scared him witless, made his stomach knot in memory of the panic after, and of what Connor said to him.

"And I didn't want to be drunk for-- for that." He'd been sort of drunk when he managed with a girl, the first and only time.

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