asoncalledgabriel | I'll find out what I'm looking for

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neil,
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I'll find out what I'm looking for

Something snapped in him after Pride.

He wasn't an abomination, he was gay, and that-- that was allowed. It wasn't illegal and maybe it wasn't condoned by everyone here, but fuck them.

So that was how he found himself at Styx, several drinks in and dancing with whoever the fuck he wanted to. That was how he found himself out in the alley afterward, on his knees, practically crammed into a wall as some guy he met inside fucked his mouth and he held on for the ride.

And afterward, when he was't sure he could handle going home to fall in bed alone, he found himself at Neil's door. He couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten there, but he knocked, hopeful Neil would wake up long enough to let him in.

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"Not bad. You?"

He looks at Neil, he couldn't not look at him. He doesn't have a shirt on. Gabriel bites his lip and makes himself look somewhere else, at the bacon on the stove.

Neil stares at the bit of white at the pressure point of Gabriel's teeth touching his lip, and then looks away at the bacon. "Yeah. Yeah, I slept okay."

It hadn't been strange, exactly, to sleep next to Gabriel and not have them end up touching each other. They've done it before. Still, he feels like he crossed a line in here, and there's maybe no going back.

He grabs Gabriel a glass of water. "Bacon's almost ready. And there's eggs...? If you--if you want."

Gabriel moves further into the kitchen, and he stands too close to Neil as he accepts the glass of water. "That all sounds really good," he murmurs. "Thanks, mate."

"Yeah." Neil's voice sounds funny to his own ears, distant and vague. He's trying to look at Gabriel's whole face, not just the parts of it--his mouth, his chin, all these places he's kissed and that somehow feel forbidden right now until they acknowledge that they're not acknowledging what happened last night.

"Any time," he finally says, and slowly turns back toward the stove. "You know that."

Gabriel stayed close even as he drank some water - he knew he needed it. But eventually he sat the near-empty glass aside and he stayed right where he was.

"I'm sorry I just... showed up a drunk mess at your door," he murmured.

"It's fine," Neil says, voice soft but steady. "I'm glad you felt you could come here. You're welcome whenever you want."

He smiles at him, and hopes it's steady. "Not that I ever had Patricia over in the first place, but at least you don't have to worry about interrupting anything now."

"I wanted to come here," he murmurs. Maybe he'd been out sowing wild oats or whatever, but he'd wanted to come here. Even drunk, he'd thought of Neil.

"And I didn't mean--" He'd been rude, maybe, showing up like he did. He knows Neil had been upset.

Neil pulls the bacon off the pan, leaving it on a paper towel. He shuts off the burner, but doesn't move. His eyes cut to Gabriel, soft and curious. Didn't mean what? In the light of morning, Neil's upset with himself, with how he acted, with the curls of jealousy that made him push and prod when Gabriel was drunk.

He still can't tell if he remembers, though. If he remembers Neil asking if they're more than friends, or Neil saying he wanted to have sex. So he just watches him for a moment.

"I meant it," he says quietly after Neil pulls away. "It hurt when I tried." He didn't say: the idea of trying again scared him witless, made his stomach knot in memory of the panic after, and of what Connor said to him.

"And I didn't want to be drunk for-- for that." He'd been sort of drunk when he managed with a girl, the first and only time.

Neil's face flames with heat. He scuffs his foot against the floor a couple times, trying to find a face to wear, a voice to use, anything that gets them through this moment.

Finally, he just says, "We don't have to. I mean--you don't have to want to, with...with anybody. So it's. We can just pretend like that didn't happen, if you want."

An easy smile slides on, and Neil tips it toward Gabriel, hoping it meets his eyes. "Come on, let's just have breakfast."

"I wouldn't be talking about it if I wanted to pretend it didn't happen," he mumbled, wondering if he should just shut up. Wondering if that's what Neil wants to do - to just forget it. Gabriel suddenly feels helpless and uncertain again.

"Yeah, sure." He turned to finish the last bit of his water and got a plate.

Gabriel turns away, and Neil takes a second to draw in a silent, shuddering breath. His mind is conjuring arguments for a wealth of things--shooting down Gabriel's apologies, instilling his own, pointing out that Neil was the one who asked for it so of course they'd do it to him first and they'd never have to do anything to Gabriel--

God. What's he thinking?

He grabs himself a plate, body brushing against Gabriel's just a little in the process.

Gabriel feels a little dizzy for a second when Neil brushes against him and he realizes he has no idea how to read this anymore. He moves a little, not far, and he just sort of looks at Neil, thoroughly uncertain and hopeful.

"It-- everything looks good. Thanks, Neil."

"Of course," Neil says. The shift away aches in him somehow, and Neil could curse himself. Even if Gabriel wants to do more with him, there's an established pattern to this by now. Gabriel's step back isn't running away, but Neil doesn't quite dare pursue it.

So he just stands there, plate set down on the counter, eyes flitting over the other boy's face. They're friends, of course--but is that it?

Gabriel finally tries to summon words. He looks at Neil, eyebrows drawn together. "I don't know what you want," he says helplessly. "I want to."

"I don't want to lose you as a friend," Neil says, quietly honest. He watches Gabriel's face. "I don't want to make you feel like you have to want to do it, just because I...I've thought about it."

The kitchen is quiet around them without the sizzle of bacon. Neil's voice is very small. "I want you to want to come here when you want to do things with people. Not just...just anybody, right then."

"You won't,' he answers, wondering if he's done something that would make Neil think it anything is up in the air.

And there's part of him that wants to protest, because it isn't that he hadn't wanted the guy he sucked off. It's just that he'd also been convenient. He wants to do all the things he's never felt free to do before. But maybe that's not the thing to say right now. Because he wants Neil, too.

"I could-- yeah, I could do that."

Neil ducks his head down and sniffles a little bit, because he could almost see that, the flicker of argument and then the soft agreement. It doesn't feel like a compromise, even. Just like he's snatched some of the light away, and is left with nothing but Gabriel looking a little dimmer, more subdued.

Slowly, he steps in closer, and leans in to kiss Gabriel. It feels more fragile than that very first one, months old now.

As soon as Neil kissed him, Gabriel wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer, his other hand holding Neil's cheek. He kissed him back, trying to convey what he couldn't in words. He's here because he wants to be. He's here because Neil means something to him.

He knows he has a lot of shit to figure out, but that feels certain.

To be kissed like that, to feel something settle in his chest, startles Neil for a second. They've been kissing for months, and it still tends to be him who kisses Gabriel and not the other way around. But the way they meet, now, means something. It has to.

His mouth moves against the kiss, without his thought involved. "We could wait on breakfast?"

"Could wait," he echoes, keeping his mouth close so he can kiss Neil again as soon as they're done talking. He slides his arm around Neil's shoulders, trying to keep him close.

They ought to get out of the kitchen, away from the slick linoleum and potential hazards of counter tops. But Neil doesn't move, can't. He curls his fingers into Gabriel's shirt and kisses him slowly, letting himself be heady with it.

Gabriel doesn't know what he wants to do, what to do. He moans quietly against Neil's mouth and tries to hold onto him, tries to slow down to the pace Neil sets because if he doesn't he's sure he'll just fly apart.

He can feel the warmth of Neil's skin through his shirt and it makes him shiver.

Slowly, Neil starts edging them out of the kitchen. He never quite stops kissing Gabriel, doesn't want to get too far away and make this stop, make Gabriel worry again. If he can just keep this momentum, then maybe--

Maybe what? Neil's pretty sure the fear of the thing outweighs the want of it. So, kissing. Maybe they'll touch. That's okay. Neil contents himself with it.

Gabriel goes with him, following every kiss and he absently pushes at the bedroom door after they pass through it. Maybe it won't close all the way, but close enough. He pushes into another kiss, fingers tangled up in Neil's hair.

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