for Anthony (backdated)

[asoncalledgabriel]

Guy's gone.

As soon as Gabriel finds out, he goes looking for Anthony. He tries calling but gets no answer - but, thank Christ, no fuzzy voice telling him the number isn't in service. Still, he can't shake the numb feeling spreading out to his fingertips. He checks familiar haunts and anywhere else he could imagine Anthony being. And when none of those turn up a familiar face, Gabriel heads to the apartment.

He texts on his way there and races up the stairs rather than troubling himself with the elevator.

Gabriel feels a bit bad for the way he pounds on the door.

"Anthony? It's Gabriel."

As if there'd be some other distressed Irish lad banging on his door.

Comments

[flightfromennui]

On the first day of Guy’s absence, Anthony doesn’t think much of it. If they are like brothers, then Anthony is certainly not his brother’s keeper, and he stopped trying to track his friend’s movements years ago.

On the third day, Anthony calls Elliot, but the young man claims not to have seen him—in fact, bafflingly, he barely seems to remember the man called Guy Burgess. Anthony calls Guy’s phone, too, and gets a fuzzy message stating that the number is out of service. That news is troubling, but not definitive, not when Guy is so very capable of leaving the phone somewhere, or forgetting to pay the bill, or doing something utterly ridiculous that would lead it to being turned off.

On the fifth day, Anthony calls the school where Guy works, only to be told by an annoyed secretary that no such man teaches there. Only then does the truth sink in.

He goes about the rest of his week in a quiet sort of haze, teaching classes by rote, working on an article without quite processing its contents, going through routines automatically. Doing more would require processing the fact that his dearest friend has been wiped from his life without as much as a farewell.

It’s evening when Gabriel knocks, and Anthony has Auden’s MI5 file open on the kitchen table. It does no good, reading it over again. The pages offer up no additional secrets. But Anthony can’t stop looking, can’t stop clinging to the connection he has left to the friend he has lost. “Come in,” he calls, realizing in a vague sort of way that he has not spoken to Gabriel since Guy’s disappearance and wondering what he has heard.

[asoncalledgabriel]

Gabriel sighs and lets himself in at the sound of Anthony's voice. He's standing there with a thick file open - the Auden File, he realizes. He closes the door behind him and sets his bag down.

Everything on the tip of his tongue feels inadequate. Sorry is too little. Are you alright? is pointless to ask. So instead, Gabriel runs his hand over Anthony's arm and brushes a kiss to his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he says, even if it still feels small.

[flightfromennui]

Anthony sighs and drops the papers to the table top. He considers asking what for? but such coyness holds no purpose, and Gabriel wouldn't take it well.

He leans just slightly into the touch. "You've heard, then."

[asoncalledgabriel]

"From Neil," he says quietly. He presses closer against Anthony's back and wraps his arms around him. Anthony would probably rather not talk about it and Gabriel can respect that. But there's nothing Anthony could do or say that would convince Gabriel that he's alright.

"I--worried. When I couldn't get a hold of you."

Maybe it was utterly irrational, but people also disappear all the time.

[flightfromennui]

Gabriel's embrace is warm and frightfully comforting, and Anthony closes his eyes and bows his head. He could collapse under the weight of this loss, and Gabriel would try to catch him. Anthony should feel some comfort in that--except that he isn't sure he could get back up again. It is much less frightening to remain fine (or some facsimile of it) than to allow Guy's departure to overwhelm him.

"I am sorry for that," he says. He can't remember seeing a message from Gabriel in the past few days, but the truth is that he has paid attention to very little. The poor boy could have called Anthony a dozen times, and Anthony could have missed them all.

[asoncalledgabriel]

Gabriel steadies his stance when Anthony leans into him, even if it's only a little. "It's okay." This isn't like the last time Anthony disappeared on him (also Guy-related); the distress is different. Gabriel can't imagine he would be any better if their places were switched.

For a long moment, that's all there is. Everything that crosses his mind just feels inadequate in the face of this.

Finally, he asks, "What can I do?"

Cook, mix drinks, stay right where he is. It doesn't matter.

[flightfromennui]

But there is nothing Gabriel can do; there is nothing anyone can do. Anthony shakes his head and gently extricates himself from Gabriel's arms. He goes to one of the cabinets in the kitchen and takes down a bottle of wine, and then two glasses.

"Drink?"

Perhaps there is something Gabriel can do--he can stay. That way, at least, Anthony will not be left alone with only his thoughts.

[asoncalledgabriel]

"Yeah, thanks."

Gabriel lets Anthony go and lingers by the counter as Anthony chooses a bottle of wine. He's actually surprised the man's not gone for something stronger. He pushes away from the counter to take his glass once it's poured.

He almost toasts to Guy. That's what he'd want, isn't it? Getting fall down drunk seems a fine tribute to Guy Burgess.

Christ, Gabriel will miss him.

[flightfromennui]

Anthony hasn't reached for something stronger--yet. Stubbornly, in the face of his grief, he clings to propriety. It's the sort of thing that would annoy Guy, and that nearly makes Anthony smile.

He lightly clinks his glass against Gabriel's, though if he is thinking of Guy he doesn't stay. "How is Neil holding up?" Neil and Guy were close; it seem like a fair question. And it allows Anthony to talk about someone else's feelings, which is far superior to talking about his own.

[asoncalledgabriel]

"He's a bit rough right now. He's lost someone else, too."

Gabriel feels awful for his friend's current state, but there isn't much he can do to make any of it better. And Neil has Rosie to lean on, he's grateful for that. Maybe Anthony has other people too, but. Gabriel wants to be here for him.

He lets Anthony take another sip of wine before he moves closer and kisses him.