Gabriel Harkin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
asoncalledgabriel) wrote2019-02-23 11:28 pm
asoncalledgabriel) wrote2019-02-23 11:28 pm
(no subject)
His anxiety is back. Gabriel isn't sure what quite triggered it to get worse. He had a bout with it in the fall, when he kept having visions of Henry in his bathtub, but that's passed and-- He doesn't know what it is. He wouldn't say he's stressed enough at school yet to really make it an issue, yet it hangs on in old habits he's thought he's left behind.
If I hold my breath between here and the door, I'll be on time.
If I miss all the cracks in the sidewalk, nothing bad will happen.
If I love God, I'll be saved.
It's a rush of stupid, ridiculous, obsessive thoughts that he should be past by now. At night it feels the worst, as if he's awaiting some unknown dread every time he gets into bed. He finds excuses to stay with Anthony, and he feels ridiculous for it but at least when he's with someone, it feels a bit better. Listening to someone else breathe, feeling Anthony's hand against his side as he falls asleep.
Tonight, it doesn't help. The nameless terror suddenly has faces, memories attached to it. The attack starts while he's dead asleep next to Anthony, but some time in the late night or early morning, Gabriel shoots upright with a wordless cry, gasping and shaking in the dark. He feels himself crying, and he can't stop that either. And, just like in all those moments before, he can't find his voice.
If I hold my breath between here and the door, I'll be on time.
If I miss all the cracks in the sidewalk, nothing bad will happen.
If I love God, I'll be saved.
It's a rush of stupid, ridiculous, obsessive thoughts that he should be past by now. At night it feels the worst, as if he's awaiting some unknown dread every time he gets into bed. He finds excuses to stay with Anthony, and he feels ridiculous for it but at least when he's with someone, it feels a bit better. Listening to someone else breathe, feeling Anthony's hand against his side as he falls asleep.
Tonight, it doesn't help. The nameless terror suddenly has faces, memories attached to it. The attack starts while he's dead asleep next to Anthony, but some time in the late night or early morning, Gabriel shoots upright with a wordless cry, gasping and shaking in the dark. He feels himself crying, and he can't stop that either. And, just like in all those moments before, he can't find his voice.